Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
--Herbert Hoover
Conrad’s Conundrum:
Technologie don’t transfer.
Murphy’s Military Laws:
16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Murphy’s Military Laws:
15. Don’t be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
Murphy’s Military Laws:
14. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
Murphy’s Military Laws:
13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Murphy’s Miltary Laws:
12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used.
Murphy’s Military Laws:
11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
Murphy’s Military Laws:
10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
Murphy’s Military Laws:
9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
Murphy’s Military Laws:
8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
Murphy’s Military Laws:
7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
Murphy’s Military Laws:
6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
Murphy’s Military Laws:
5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
Murphy’s Military Laws:
4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
Murphy’s Military Laws:
3. Friendly fire ain’t.
Murphy’s Military Laws:
2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
Murphy’s Military Laws:
1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
The Ultimate Wisdom:
Philosophers must ultimately find their true perfection in knowing all the follies of mankind by introspection.
--Piet Hein
The Arithmetic of Cooperation:
When you’re adding up committees there’s a useful rule of thumb-
That talents make a difference, and follies make a sum.
--Piet Hein
Adultary is the application of democracy to love.
--H.L. Menchen
Arcana Coelestica:
Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
--H.L. Menchen
Arcana Coelestica:
Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that obtained by Christ.
--H.L. Menchen
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
--H.L. Menchen
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.
--H.L. Menchen
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it.
--H.L. Menchen
An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
--H.L. Mencken
When a man laughs at his misfortunes, he loses a great many friends.
They never forgive the loss of their perogative.
--H.L. Mencken
Gerrold’s Pronouncement:
The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.
Gerrold’s Law:
A little ignorance can go a long way.
Lyall’s Addendum:
... in the direction of maximum harm.
Gerrold’s Fundamental Truth:
It’s a good thing money can’t buy happiness. We couldn’t stand the commercials.
You can’t fight the law of conservation of energy, but you can sure bargain with it.
Design flaws travel in groups.
de la Lastra’s Corollary:
After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
de la Lastra’s Law:
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
Rosenfield’s Regret:
The most delicate component will be dropped.
Sueker’s Note:
If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock.
Klipstein’s Observation:
Any product cut to length will be too short.
Klipstein’s Lament:
All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
Pournelle’s Law of Costs and Schedules:
Everything costs more and takes longer.
Lyall’s Fundamental Observation:
The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that’s missing.
Lyall’s Conjecture:
If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Peer’s Law:
The solution to the problem changes the problem.
Thoreau’s Law:
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.
Sevareid’s Law:
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Mencken’s Metalaw:
For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don’t understand the situation.
In America, it’s not how much an item costs that matters, it’s how much you save.
Langin’s Law:
If things were left to chance, they’d be better.
Jone’s Principle:
Needs are a function of what other people have.
Jacquin’s Postulate on Democratic Government:
No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
Goldwyn’s Law of Contracts:
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
Gerrold’s Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:
If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero.
Comin’s Law:
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Colson’s Law:
When you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Cohen’s Law:
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts, not the facts themselves.
Bicycle Law:
All bicycles weigh 50 pounds:
A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock.
A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock.
A 50 pound bicycle doesn’t need a lock.
Berra’s Law:
You can observe a lot just by watching.
Avery’s Observation:
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.
Allen’s Distinction:
The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won’t get much sleep.
Allen’s Axiom:
When all else fails, follow instructions.
Allen’s Law:
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Galbraith’s Law of Political Wisdom:
Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.
Gallois’ Revelation:
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled, and no one dares to criticize it.
Woltman’s Law:
Never program and drink beer at the same time.
Forgive and remember.
Shirley’s Law:
Most people deserve each other.
Law of Reruns:
If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
Lewis’ Law:
People will buy anything that’s one to a customer.
Gold’s Law:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
Matz’s warning:
Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Hawkin’s Theory of Progress:
Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
Merkin’s Maxim:
When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
Horngren’s Observation (generalized):
The real world is a special case.
The Sausage Principle:
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it’s green or it wiggles, it’s biology.
2. If it stinks, it’s chemistry.
3. If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.
First Law of Laboratory Work:
Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
MacDonald’s Second Law:
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and give it back to them.
Stewart’s Law of Retroaction:
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on.
This person must be fired.
Harrison’s Postulate:
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Perkin’s Postulate:
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
Witten’s Law:
Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.
The Unapplicable Law:
Washing your car to make it rain doesn’t work.
First Postulate of Isomurphism:
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
Ducharme’s Precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Grossman’s Misquote:
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
Hellrung’s Law:
If you wait, it will go away.
Shevelson’s Extension:
... having done its damage...
Grelb’s Addition:
... if it was bad, it will be back.
Langsam’s Law:
Everything depends.
Law of Revelation:
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
Lynch’s Law:
When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
Farnsdick’s corollary:
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
The First Law of Wing Walking:
Never let hold of what you’ve got until you’ve got hold of something else.
The Whispered Rule:
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW:
As soon as you mention something:
if it is good, it goes away.
If it is bad, it happens.
The Ultimate Law:
All general statements are false (including this one).
Churchill, on man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Jone’s Motto:
Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
Vique’s Law:
A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
Cole’s Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Katz’s Law:
Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Beckhap’s Law:
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Hartley’s Second Law:
Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.
Weinberg’s Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
Weiler’s Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.
Segal’s Law:
A man with a watch knows what time it is.
A man with two watches is never sure.
Clarke’s Third Law:
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Clarke’s First Law:
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
Wiker’s Law:
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Zymurgy’s Law of Volunteer Labour:
People are always available for work in the past tense.
Peter’s Placebo:
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
The first Myth of Management:
Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear.
Brooke’s Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Fett’s Law:
Never replicate a successful experiment.
Wyszowski’s Law:
No experiment is reproducible.
Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.
Rule of Accuracy:
When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
Fools rush in where fools have been before.
Gibb’s Law:
Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.
Schmidt’s Observation:
All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.
Harver’s Law:
A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
Benchley’s Law of Distinction:
There are two kinds of people in the world:
those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world, and those who don’t.
Krueger’s Observation:
A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.
Maugham’s Thought:
Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
Knight’s Law:
Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
Korman’s conclusion:
The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.
Mark’s mark:
Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
The Golden Rule:
He who has the gold, makes the rules.
Carson’s Law:
It’s better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
Don’t get mad, get even.
You can lead a man to slaughter, but you can’t make him think.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way.
--Bokonon
Peer’s Law:
The solution to the problem changes the problem.
Maier’s Law:
If the facts do not conform to the theory, the facts must be disposed of.
Law of Research:
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Gordon’s First Law:
If a project is not worth doing at all, it’s not worth doing well.
Cahn’s Axiom:
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Anthony’s Law of Force:
Don’t force it - get a bigger hammer.
Schmidt’s Law:
If you mess with a thing long enough, it’ll break.
Lowery’s Law:
If it jams - force it.
If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Sattinger’s Law:
It works better if you plug it in.
Wyszkowski’s Second Law:
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
Jennings Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity:
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.
Law of Selective Gravity:
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Shaw’s Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Lubarsky’s Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There’s always one more bug.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
X - Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
IX - Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
VIII - Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
VII - Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
VI - The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
V - Any program will expand to fill available memory.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
IV - If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
III - If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
II - Any given program costs more and takes longer.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
I - Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Corollary to the First Law of Revision:
In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to expedite subsequent revision.
Second Law of Revision:
The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn.
First Law of Revision:
Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the plans are complete (Often called the ‘Now They Tell Us’ Law).
Etorre’s Observation:
The other line moves faster.
The Airplane Law:
When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
You get the most of what you need the least.
If nobody uses it, there’s a reason.
Lewis’ Law:
No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you’ve bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
Glatum’s Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness:
The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.
You never find a lost article until you replace it.
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